Domestic Violence in the Church
I wish I could tell you that domestic violence doesn’t exist in a place that should be safe, which is the church.
How can this be?
When I was young, I was naïve to the fact that abuse could exist in the church community. “No way!” I thought. Until, I experienced it first-hand.
Domestic violence brought a rude awakening to my life; ripping me apart and bringing me to my lowest as a woman. How could such hatefulness and evil exist in a place of peace?
Throughout time, I have come to realize that not everyone in church has a sincere heart.
Domestic violence is not a new thing. This hurtful and evil epidemic actually is as old as time. Throughout the Bible, we read stories of abuse and its consequences. We learn of innocent women who were sexually abused and their voices silenced.
We also see that abuse does not start right off the bat. It is a slow process.
Examples in the Bible
Let me take you through scripture and introduce to you, Dinah. Now Dinah was the daughter of Jacob and Leah. According to the Torah, Dinah was of a young age when she was sexually assaulted by Shechem. The Bible says that when Shechem raped her he fell in love with her. He then ran to his father, Hamor and told him, “Do all you can to get Dinah as my wife."
As we continue to read in Genesis 34, we see Jacob’s sons plot against Shechem and his people. Jacob's sons trick Shechem agreeing they would give their sister to Shechem so long as they would get circumcised to seal the agreement. Needless to say, Shechem and all the men of the village agreed and got circumcised.
On the third night of their extreme pain, Jacob’s sons came and killed all the men, looted the town and took whatever they wanted from the town. They rescued their sister, and they said “Nobody is going to treat our sister like a whore and get away with it.
Domestic violence doesn’t start right off the bat. It is a slow process. It takes time to start the cycle of gaslight and dependence.
In the Bible, we see yet another example of abuse. In scripture, we read of a courageous young man who killed Goliath, his name is David. When he kills Goliath, King Saul is impressed by this young man. I mean wow… this young man just killed Goliath, the giant who was bullying the people of Israel. So, King Saul took him to live in his kingdom, to never go back to David’s house.
In an abusive relationship, an abuser will isolate his victim from her family and friends- these are people who can help the victim. The abuser knows this, so if he can isolate their partner and control her, he will start the endless cycle of abuse.
If we continue to read on, we read that King Saul isolated David from his home. As time passed by King Saul's heart was filled with jealousy. See, David was admired by the people and this didn’t sit well with King Saul. Jealousy brought King Saul to plot to kill David. One day, King Saul throws his sword at David. Needless to say, David goes into hiding as King Saul tries to hunt him down.
I included this story to show an example that domestic violence starts slow, a cycle. The victim gets lost in the abusive cycle trying to please her abuser. But she will never be able to meet his expectations.
Why the Church Should Talk About It
Three women die each day at the hand of their abuser. Some of these women stay due to fear, yet end up losing their lives. Others are hunted down and killed by their abuser.
A couple of weeks ago, a young man in a church mentioned that I shouldn’t speak of abuse, that it was a waste of time. He wanted to go to church to learn about God but not about abuse.
Needless to say, I was completely baffled! The God I know hates abuse. He hates domestic violence.
He does not want to see his daughters hurt. The God I know wants the church to speak and stand against domestic violence. He wants His daughters and children to be safe!
So, what do we do as a church community? Will we hide our light? Will we ignore the pain and hopelessness of the innocent?
As a church what do we say to a victim of domestic violence who comes out seeking help? Do we ignore it? Do we tell her, “Well, go pray or keep working at it" or worse, "What did you do to cause this?"
Do we throw scripture to the victim of domestic violence? For example, “Submit to your husband”.
There is no other perfect example but God. God called the man to be a protector.
A protector does not hurt that which he is protecting. God said, husbands love your wives as Christ has loved the church and gave himself up for her. God loves His church. He is not an abusive God- He loves us so much that He gave His son Jesus to die on the cross for you and me.
What Can the Church Do?
Are you are wondering what we can do as a church? How do we help a victim of abuse in the church?
According to Lifeway Research, who conducted a study of 1,000 pastors, say that:
54% of pastors say that they are not trained to handle domestic violence issues
70% of pastors surveyed have either recommended or provided marriage counseling to couples
40% did any kind of safety assessment for the victim
8% of pastors have told the victim to work at her marriage to stop the abuse
9% of pastors believe domestic violence should be resolved in the home instead of seeking outside help
11% of pastors don’t know to counsel a victim of domestic violence.
“One out of four couples in church experience domestic violence during their marriage,” according to Det. Sgt. Don Stewart.
It breaks my heart to know there are couples who experience this in the church community. They live this way in silence; justifying their spouse's behavior.
Christ has called the church, "To open the eyes of the blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." Isaiah 42: 7
So, how can we, as a church, help those who sit in the darkness of domestic violence? How do we help those are hurting in silence?
Below are some ideas the church can incorporate to bring awareness of domestic violence:
The church can be pro-active and speak about domestic violence from the pulpit. The pastor can talk about domestic violence and its effects on families.
The church can invite a special guest from a domestic violence organization to speak to the church.
Create a day where the church can bring awareness in the neighborhood.
Pastors can offer instruction to couples about domestic violence, control, and conflict.
Pastors and leaders in the church community can take classes to be aware of how to speak to a victim of abuse, how to recognize if someone is a victim, and how to listen to victims of abuse.
Let a victim know they are not alone. They have the support and help of the church family.
These are a few examples of how we as a church can be more active and stand for victims of domestic violence.
Domestic violence is not just physical abuse. It also includes sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. It has no respect of gender, financial status, or religion.
Today, you and I can make a difference to the many who need our help. We can be more informed of domestic violence, be a support to our local organizations, bring awareness of this dark epidemic in our neighborhoods, and start a proactive group in our church community.
We can be a light and bring hope to victims of domestic violence.