The Simple Triggers
The Simple Triggers…
I just wanted new clothes… something nice.. colorful.. simple… I have always been that way. I have never dressed extravagant… shopping shouldn’t be that hard. I mean who doesn’t like to go shopping for clothes?
It wasn’t until I realized that everytime I even thought about going to the mall… my chest would tighten and my spirit was in turmoil that I realized “shopping was one of my triggers.”
As a survivor of domestic violence, I had been stripped pretty much of everything that matters in life… “life itself.” My identity and confidence in myself; in who God made me to be.
Spending time in my creative room with God- I realized that this was one of those triggers; those wounds that I hadn’t really faced.
Maybe it sounds silly… but let me tell you why it is one of my triggers.
I wrote it all down.
Before getting married, I loved myself. I had a sense of pride in how I dressed. Beautiful dresses from Lerners, I wore my favorite colors (burgundy and browns) I loved my brown boots, my long curly hair (all the way to my waist).
But when I got introduced to domestic violence all of that was stripped from me. I hated myself.
I hated that I couldn’t look like the other women.. The women that caught my ex-husband’s eye. The women that dressed modern with highlighted layered hair. The women that my ex-husband spent time with…
Those women.
I spent many years pursuing this image… but I didn’t have money to do that… I was controlled in that as well… So, I spent years, wishing I was just like these women my ex- husband was very much attracted to.
I spent years wanting to be like others and shoved whatever was left of me further down; hating what I saw in the mirror.
Leaving this nightmare of life and finding God has opened a newness in my life- I love myself.
Yet, there are those days… where these simple triggers creep up on me. My chest hurts to see beautiful clothes...would I be accepted and loved by how I dress? Do I have that flattering style? If I met someone would they like how I dress? Would it be enough?
So, spending time in my creative space… I came to realize that it is ME that matters the most; not my sense of fashion. Who I am! My love and joy for life live in the core of who I am; placed there by God.
I have grasped the understanding of the things that matter are not from this earth.
Love, joy, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and grace are the eternal things; the things that hold value.
Love yourself. Love others.
So, when these simple triggers find their way and show up, I spend time in my creative room with God- soft music to calm down. I write what I feel and why. I will do something I love… and I will rest.
Because I know it will pass.
Tomorrow will be a new day.
Today I am loved!
You are loved!