Forgiveness
Forgiveness-
A word that can stir many emotions in a person who has been hurt. It can bring emotions of fear and anger.
It was early Sunday morning, three years ago, as I sat in the kitchen table reading; I felt for the first time in many years, a tingling in my fingertips- almost as if for the first time in many years, I could feel. Numbness of pain, betrayal, and anger had left me and I could feel LIFE.
For the first time in 20+ years, I could feel and felt like me. Cesiah had returned. As if she had been gone for many many years in the midst of abuse, betrayal and hurt.
As I sat there, it was a knowing that I was me again! ( if that makes sense) I whispered to myself, “Cesiah, you are back.”
One thing I also knew right then and there- that in order to keep myself I would have to face the one thing I was afraid to face… FORGIVENESS.
( I can’t speak for all, but only my experience )
Forgiveness towards the one who had hurt me.. Betrayed me endlessly, hurt me with his words- his words of belittlement felt like a sharp stab, made me contemplate ending life, the one who would crush me down when I even dared to dream- to create, the one who would hurt me with his hands…
And here I was on that Sunday morning, (after two years of leaving my beautiful home) that the next stage of my healing would involve the very thing I was afraid of facing… Forgiveness.
It all started with such simple practices… speaking positive words of affirmation- words of life from my God, choosing to direct myself in the path of forgiveness, knowing God loved me and saying that to myself each day, realizing that God had forgiven me and finally coming to the realization that if I wanted to have an enriching life it would all start with forgiveness.
It wasn’t easy. There were days all the yuckiness would all come back, engulfing me with all its yuckiness of pain. But each day, I kept pressing forward by holding on to God and saying such simple words.... "I choose to forgive (name) for what he said to me. I am not a weak selfish person- I am a strong daughter of God and I am loved."
And so started my journey of forgiveness. No, it wasn’t easy- and it wasn’t a fast journey to get where I am in forgiveness. It took me a couple years of walking with God where I reached that one place of peace and freedom.
Yes, I called him (my x) told him I had forgiven him.. that I had reached a place of happiness and freedom. Yes, he couldn’t understand that. I pray for him and that one day he will come to know Jesus.
No, we can’t walk on the road of forgiveness alone. But I can introduce you to the One who walked along side me, my pain and brought healing.
Rescued for His Kingdom is just that. A place to share about domestic violence and to share the solution to our pain, Jesus is His name.
Forgiveness approached me like a gentle Summer breeze,
It met me on my knees.
It wrapped itself with its strength of power and love.
Forgiveness healed my soul-
And made me whole.
Forgiveness broke the heavy chains-
Heavy chains that submerged me in pain,
Bitterness, poison.
Forgiveness bestowed upon me freedom,
Peace and love.
Forgiveness made me free!
~ Cesiah ~